My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
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I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious