@YourMomsucksTho: My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i'm hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we're married
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@CallousBalzac: [first date] Me: *don't let him know you're the Mona Lisa* Him: You look nice tonight Me: *smiles ambiguously*
@kelkulus: My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
@nbadag: [jurassic world] ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it's too dangerous TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i'm saying at all
@NewDadNotes: Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha Noah: [door lock noise]