@YourMomsucksTho: My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i'm hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we're married
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@iLikeCatShirts: House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don't know how he got trapped in the wall.
@Snarfernini: *boss walks in Me: I lost my contact Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk? Me: Boss: Me: Shut the door when you leave
@TheBoydP: My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out. Challenge accepted!