My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
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Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I was up all night reading about insomnia
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
it’s the silliest best thing
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license