My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
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[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.