My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
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I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers