My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
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3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
why am I working on Labor Day