My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
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Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
This is the one
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.