My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
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Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
My wife gives the best headache.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey