My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
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Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
the rocks need my help
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep