My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
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I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Meat Cute
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.