My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
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Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED