My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
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[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.