My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
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I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”