My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
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It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like