My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
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I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.