My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
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6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
c’mon!
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I was bored.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.