My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
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There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
This bar smells like my childhood.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.