My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
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I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*