Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be