I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Perfection.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
hmmm
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”