@HousewifeOfHell: My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It's nice to be the sane one for a change.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Holy_Mowgli: TSA agent: I'm sorry we don't allow liquids over 3.4 ounces me: ok I'll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
@drinksmcgee: The clerk at the art supply store just told me they have a “Monet back guarantee”… I’ve never wanted to hit someone more in my life.
@HatfieldAnne: Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
@SteveSuckington: First date: [ok, don't let her know you're a cop] Her: do you come here often? Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*