@mamatomy3: My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He's told every other person on earth and I didn't want y'all to be out of the loop.
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@DamienFahey: The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
@schlimp: Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi
@slimmy_shady: Drink this wine, it's the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it's the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, "Now hear me out"