At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Woke up against my better judgment again
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
checking out some reviews of my local library
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
my nickname in college
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?