My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
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At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂