My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
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shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look