My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
yall want some gasoline milk
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Guilty! 🤪
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐