My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
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How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady