My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
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[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.