My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
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My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.