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Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
asked my bf how work was today
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Just me and my debit card against the world
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?