Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends