My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.