My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
You Might Also Like
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
More like Kate Missington.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear