My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
You Might Also Like
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what