My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
sry
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.