*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
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the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Never be a pizza!