Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Finally!
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
some things should go without saying
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters