My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
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“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.