My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.