My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
No laws when master is gone
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
moms in horror movies
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.