My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
You Might Also Like
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.