My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
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[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.