My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”