My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
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*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?