My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐