My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
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My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.