[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
The Book. The Movie.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters