My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea