My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
You Might Also Like
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
i really liked this one
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
buying dead houseplants to save time
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.