My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think